Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
