No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
