I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
