just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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