I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize