My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
