Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize