Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
