just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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