i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
