Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
