marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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