He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Less talking, more tequila
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize