I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
two words: eviction party
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
