I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
