OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
