I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
