Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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