I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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