i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize