Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Text me some of your sweat
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
