I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
