Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
