Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
