Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
