p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
