can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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