Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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