He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
