the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
