i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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