dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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