yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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