The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
