How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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