are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
