I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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