please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
