I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
