I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
