remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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