So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Boobs are out for the taking
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
