just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
