oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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