She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
