God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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