he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
