The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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