Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
