I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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