Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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