Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
