Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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