even my farts smell like vagina
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
