I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
