Umm I'm too high to move.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
