pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
