rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
