Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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