Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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