Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
