Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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