new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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